Warshington, D.C. and Marylandia


My friend Mary became a mother five years ago.  I know many mothers who give birth and instantaneously lose their personalities, but Mary is not like that.  The same Mary that traveled from Zacatecas (just because it’s fun to pronounce) to San Cristobal de las Casas (tracing the mystery sarpullido to a huge leaf at Palenque) continues to laugh at fart jokes and see the hilarity of life.  The following are the main takeaways of my Memorial Day weekend with her.

  • Ghost boys who sequester fake cats need their privacy.
  • Despite evidence to the contrary, the two-year-old’s projectile vomit and the leak in the dining room ceiling are unrelated.
  • There is nothing more hilarious than Mary yelling “prostitution whore”.
  • Power rangers don’t wear undies, and Mary doesn’t know nothin’ about Power Rangers.
  • The “trololo” guy on YouTube is either a cyborg, or a political prisoner who will be sent to the Gulag if he doesn’t show enthusiasm.  His mouth smiles, but his eyes show unending sorrow.
  • The Smithsonian is the best museum for five-year-olds, because it doesn’t hurt financially to leave after 10 minutes.
  • Teachers actually do mess with kids by repeating words like “balls” in contexts that will be easily misinterpreted.
  • “Booby Trap” is tremendously fun to say.  It doesn’t get old, even after looking up the etymology of the term and debating it with the whole family.
  • Che Guevara has appeared on Scooby Doo, and Velma has boobies.  (Not booby traps.)
  • Fart jokes are still funny.  Any teacher who tells high school students to act maturely and stop making fart jokes is really laughing on the inside.
  • It is permissible to decorate cookies in the shape of the Green Lantern symbol with purple icing.
  • Pants are optional.
  • Real Housewives need to go to Brooklyn public schools to learn how to girl-fight.  Seriously.
  • Mary yelling “I don’t want to make responsible choices” is almost as funny as her yelling “prostitution whore!”
  • The five-year-old says the best part of the Metro into the City, Air and Space Museum, Sculpture Garden, and dinner at the food truck on the mall is the ice cream.
  • A two-year-old thinks the Facebook picture of me in a corset looks “mazing”, which I think is really ‘mazing and a tiny bit unsettling.
  • Let there be no mistake.  Looking ‘mazing doesn’t mean the two-year-old considers me his friend.
  • I am the bedtime whisperer (tonight).
  • I was not the only Spanish teacher to mask the entertainment value of teaching direct and indirect object pronouns by helping students form the phrase, “give it to him/her.”
  • As 100 neat-o motorcycles pass, the most notable thing to the five-year-old is his own shadow.



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