To the gentleman rapping on the subway on a 99° day…

To the gentleman rapping on the subway on a 99° day…

  • The people who gave up seats near you weren’t offering the seats to you out of reverence for your rhyming prowess.  They were fleeing your aural assault.
  • People don’t “be dissin’” you.  You are shouting on a crowded train and annoying everyone.  They are merely trying to give you space for your craziness just like they give space to the really stinky people who sleep on the subway lines.  Yes, I just compared you to the caustic miasma of pee, poop, and pervasive body odor that makes people gag and clears entire cars on the train.  Now I be dissin’ you.
  • You probably won’t win an Eight-Mile-style rap battle if you need to wait 5 seconds before starting the second half of a phrase.
  • You keep raising one arm and waving it as part of a studied rap gesture.  It looks more like the Pope giving a benediction.
  • You might benefit from the use of a thesaurus, or perhaps some vocabulary flashcards.  A rhyming dictionary might help, too.  It’s nice to be able to use repetition consciously for impact, not because your limited vocabulary forces you to use the same 20 words again and again.
  • You’ve just repeated, “I’m mad O.D.” 34 times between Union Square and 125th Street.  Your fellow straphangers would greatly prefer that you overdose with barbiturates (or some sort of quiet thing) than the term “O.D.”
  • When you repeat cliché phrases like “I’m all over the motherf****g charts”, I wonder if you could clarify.  You’re obviously not on the record charts, because you have less skill than the seventh-graders I used to teach and no sex appeal.  Are these charts actual representations of metrics related to f*****g mothers?  I don’t see the utility in this.
  • You have two legs.  I can see, because you’re wearing shorts.  You probably won’t get much sympathy for that rap phrase about having only one leg.  Just saying.
  • You won’t be “discovered” on the subway.  Important people in the hip-hop/rap worlds have fancy cars and drivers.
  • It’s 99° out, and people have been waiting on platforms that are over 110°.  The air conditioning on the actual train isn’t strong enough to counteract the heat introduced by the constant opening of doors and volume of people in the train.  People are testy.  Something violent may very well happen to you if you continue to insist on screaming poorly-planned and unoriginal rhymes at the top of your lungs.  For your own safety, it might be good to do practice rapping quietly in your head.

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